dear alice,
i never really got to say everything i wanted to say to you. i just never wanted to hurt your feelings. i’m not writing this out now because i’m hoping you’ll secretly read it. no one reads my tumblr so my intent is not to passive aggressively confront you. i actually don’t want you to read it because i don’t want you to think i have anything against you. but i’m writing it because i need to get this out of my life once and for all and close the chapter of the craziest and maybe most miserable year of my life.
i quickly knew after we became close that it was a huge mistake. we had a ton of fun in hawaii and we did legitimately have good nights out. but there is a difference between someone you hang out with sometimes and someone you’ll hang out with forever. after the mess of the first couple months we lived together, i knew that you weren’t someone i could stay close with. and that was all. i tried to slowly extract myself out of your life, slowly and gradually so it wouldn’t seem too blatant. throughout the way, i genuinely tried to make it work. i can say from the bottom of my heart that i did. i tried to patch things up, i tried to understand how you could say such inconsiderate things about me to other people while i’m right there, i tried to understand why you were always talking about which guys thought you were hot, i tried to understand why it seemed like all you ever did was talk about other people. it reached the point where i was forcing myself to go out with you, even though i would just be miserable the whole night, wishing i could be home in bed.
after january, i guess you really noticed the difference. i pretty much stopped going out with you, but it really wasn’t just because of you. i was looking for a new job and didn’t want to be distracted in the process. i also thought i didn’t like to go out anymore since i just wasn’t having fun anymore. two months later, i finally went out again with some of my friends from before, and it was the best night i’d had in a while. that’s when i realized that it wasn’t me, it wasn’t new york city, it was you. and at this point i still tried. you confronted me about pulling away and i responded saying that i would change, we’d hang out again.
but here’s the thing that maybe you don’t even realize. you cannot say to my face that you want to be friends, you want to hang out more, that i’m being a terrible friend by not hanging out with you, you cannot say all those things and at the same time be talking shit about me behind my back. new york city is a small place. people talk, and eventually the truth will come out.
i knew you were talking shit about me. christine, too. i didn’t know why. i wasn’t hanging out with either of you, i barely saw you guys, we talked occasionally on gchat, texted about rent and utilities, but that was it. i really thought if i just kept to myself and my own life, that you guys would leave me alone. unfortunately it seems like that’s not how the world works.
i’ll tell you what really shocked me, though. when you broadcasted the news of the loss my virginity through bbm like some kind of deranged gossip queen. that was so wrong on so many levels. and you want to know something? i wasn’t even mad when i first found out what you did. shocked, extremely, of course. but then i just told myself, i know it’s something she would do. fine. but when you lied to my face about it, that was it. so reminiscent of so many things that happened this past year.
your excuse was because you were so pissed off i told brian before you, even though brian and i weren’t really friends. even though i don’t need to explain myself, i will, again. i only talked to brian about it because i was really upset at that moment in time and i needed to talk to someone. believe me, i regret telling him almost as much as i regret living with you and christine. and what you don’t seem to realize is that i wasn’t obligated to tell you. i didn’t even tell some of my friends until a couple months after it happened. it is a personal thing and none of anyone else’s business. if i felt like telling the doorman, it would still be fine because it’s my issue and my business.
and then after we talked afterwards, i STILL apologized to you. God, i was like some pathetic little wimp or something. i don’t know why i cared about your feelings so much. i don’t know why i bothered. and i left that conversation thinking that maybe we could work things out one day after we moved out.
well, so much for that. like i said before, new york is a small place. christine ran into alex forshaw, your boyfriend’s best friend. and you better bet he told her every damn thing you ever told him and everyone else. that we steal your clothes, eat your food. that we don’t get along with you because we want your boyfriend’s dick (even though you know i don’t like white guys) and we’re jealous of you. you also told your boyfriend that you got your first kiss at 19, and that you were a virgin, which is funny since you were fucking the guy upstairs in our building for the first 3 months you were seeing your now official boyfriend.
one thing i distinctly remember you saying to me, elaine, you know you have a problem with the truth. you lie. and i said, when do i ever lie to you? i don’t ever talk to you. when could i have possibly lied to you? maybe you’ll bring up the alan thing. but no matter what christine tells you, i never said you hooked up with him, i never said you did anything with him at all. and christine knows that, and that’s all that matters, even if she’ll never admit it. all i said was that i thought you liked him, which i really did. i wasn’t just making it up to be malicious. that’s not lying. lying is telling your boyfriend you’re a virgin when you’re clearly not. lying is telling christine that the reason i was still a virgin at 22 was to make other girls feel like sluts. i mean, wtf? seriously?
you said i was fake, but how? i never, ever pretended to be your friend when i wasn’t. i never came into your room with a big fake smile on my face and talked about stuff i pretended to care about and fake laugh with you.
the only thing that i can see that i did wrong this entire time was trying to not be friends with you anymore, but not telling you. and so for that, i apologize for not saying to your face that i don’t want to be friends because i don’t like the person that you are.
it’s funny because you said you miss me, but when i read that in your email, i just laughed because as if you haven’t been telling everyone i’m a malicious evil crazy bitch and you are so glad to be out of my negative influence because you don’t need people like me in your life.
well. that was nice to get off my chest. please don’t think i hold anything against you. i don’t. but i never said anything to you this entire year and just kept taking everything from you. it was my turn, maybe a few months too late. but late is better than never.
i sincerely hope you are doing well. i wish things could have turned out differently for us.
